It’s been a hell of a year for spiders, hasn’t it? There’ve
been some big ones. I mean really big, fuck-off sized buggers, big as your fist
with legs thirteen inches long, strolling across your living room floor like
they own the place, which as far they’re concerned they do and never you mind
whose name’s actually on the paperwork.
I don’t like them. I’ll be upfront about that, I don’t like
them and I never have, We’ve come to something of an arrangement lately though,
I won’t hit them with a shoe or blitz them with fly killer (which might not
work on spiders, and if it does, isn’t it kind of like friendly fire for them
given that they’re flykillers themselves?) so long as they keep on walking and
get out of my sight pretty sharpish and don’t creep up on me along the back of
the sofa or across my feet because if they do that then I’m sorry but the truce
is over and I’m bringing out the big guns. Big shoe. Whatever.
I have a friend who loves them. He’ll stand and stare at
them for hours, he says they’re lovely delicate things that we should watch and
admire. He’ll get right up close to them and study them as if they were kittens
or roast beef sandwiches or something that isn’t intrinsically evil, and I’ll
see him doing this and I’ll say Steven! Step away from the spider! It is
intrinsically evil , it is worse than Crippen and Doctor Doom and Jeremy Kyle
all rolled into one! If you do not move away from the spider it will attack you
and it will burrow down under your skin and get deep into your inner workings and
when it is there it will use you for its own ends, it will wear you like a suit
made of meat and bone, it will take you over and join your constituency
political party and rise effortlessly up within its ranks until it becomes
Prime Minister, and then it will redirect all of the country’s budget into
space research and build a rocket to the moon, but it will use that rocket,
because it is evil, it will use that rocket to spin an enormous web between
here and the moon and it will use that web to catch unwary alien visitors to
our planet, and once it has done that it will take over their alien body just
like it has yours and it will head out into the solar system and beyond into
the galaxy and it WILL NOT STOP until it has enslaved the whole universe and Steven
says to me “You’re over-reacting, I’ll put a glass over it and slip a bit of
paper underneath and I’ll take it outside and let it go, would that be
alright?” and I say ‘Yeah, OK.”
What’s also bad about spider season is that some people,
some people with no sense of consideration for others, they’ll have one of
these giant bastard spiders in their house and they’ll take a picture of the
thing and then they’ll tweet it, and you have no idea this is going to appear
in your Twitter feed, you’ll be sitting there thumbing down your timeline or
whatever the hell it’s called and suddenly JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S THAT! There
should be a rule that says if you’re going to tweet, or Facebook, or Vine or
whatever, a picture of your own personal Bloody Big Spider you should send out
a spoiler tweet before you do, something like ATTENTION! IN FIVE MINUTES I AM
GOING TO TWEET A PICTURE OF A BLOODY BIG SPIDER SO IF YOU DON”T WANT TO SEE IT
LOOK AWAY NOW, OR UNFOLLOW ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE REALLY, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
A PERSON WHO TWEETS THIS KIND OF THING?
But that’s a lot more than 140 characters so, y’know, maybe
not.
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